And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time

https://binged.it/2TUy1GI

It has been over two months since my last post. 

When I began I imagined I would commit to posting for a year. 

I thought I might be done, but this week I've felt an urge to write some more so here I am.

In the last 10 weeks some big things have happened.

The two year mark.

Moving to a new home and city.

New work opportunities.

These last two have kept me busy and have diverted my attention from the sadness of the first.

I recently read that marking anniversaries in this way for grief and loss is essentially counterproductive to the moving on.

At first I thought I might agree, but now I'm not so sure.

We will have always celebrated 19 wedding anniversaries and 25 years together, and every year will be another year since his death.

Those are just cold hard numbers that mean something.

The passage of time and marking it is a ritual that goes back centuries.

What causes my heart to ache these days is all the newness pushing away the old.

I don't want to walk away from what was.

But it is a really difficult balance to make room for what can be, and still maintain the connection to what has been.

He left me no choice, I have to move forward. 

On day one I knew I wouldn't throw in the towel, stay in a heap and never recover. I'm not sure how I knew that, but I did.

Now that reality is hitting me smack in the face and I again have to decide to tilt my chin to the sun and march forward, continuing to glance over my shoulder and smile and cry at what I've left behind.