When the silence isn't quiet

https://youtu.be/DeqUmaquYAY 

It has been just over a year since I embarked on the trip. 

It is just shy of two years since he died.

It feels like my trip began years ago and at the same time it still feels like he died last month.

I wish I could do a better job of explaining how unsettling it feels to be planning the rest of your life, when all along you thought it was already planned. I have hours, days when the excitement of all of this change, all the decisions that are mine alone is really invigorating and empowering, like "of course I can do this".

But those other days, it is still so overwhelmingly sad to be making all of these big decisions alone. To even have to make them at all. 

Making lists, checking things off, adding things back.

As someone who enjoyed being part of a duo, to now be solo in every way is pretty daunting. There is no handing off of anything, it is all my responsibility now.

As I get ready to move to a new (old) city, Philadelphia, my original home town I realize this will be the first time I sign a lease of my own.  First time I've set up house for me alone. First time living downtown in a big city.

Everything mine, not ours.

Reflecting back one year ago when my year of travel begun, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined ending up in Philadelphia. But slowly over the last year it started to feel right. And the one single best thing I've learned about myself over this year is that my gut, my instincts are right. Without fail every single time I have gone against my gut, it has turned to shit.

That is kind of huge.

To know that there is an inner smarty pants I just have to be open enough to listen to, and I can head in the right direction, make the right decisions for right now, huge.

In 2019 I resolve to stand stronger in my belief  and knowledge that my instincts will always serve me better than someone else's.