Lonely days, Lonely nights where would I be without my baby.

I've been thinking and mulling and meaning to write for a week or so.

So many things have changed in the last 23 months and yet so many things still feel not so much different than they were the week after he died.

I lost a husband

I sold a house, and have a second house under contract to sell

I left a career job

I left my city, my friends, my safety net

I travelled to some amazing places on this planet

I met some wonderful people

I reconnected with old friends in waves of support for my grief

I bought a car

I engaged more deeply with my family

I started my own business.

And yet,

I cry, still.

I'm lost and lonely still.

Some days I feel really together and other days, so incredibly wrecked and lost and unsure. Which is exactly how I felt in the weeks and months just after he died.

I'm trying so hard to listen, to be present and trust my gut which to be honest has mostly been right. But goddamn I really want to ask him what should we do, where should we go, what do you think?

He was my husband.

He was so much more my best friend, my sounding board and my cheerleader.

I didn't really understand how much we relied on each other for support in all areas. But as some big decisions have come to pass, I keep second guessing myself and wondering what would we decide together if he were here.

I miss his opinion. I miss our arguing.

I hate that I am here, in this place, having to do this alone.

I'm so mad this happened to us. To me.

So here I am trying to figure out where to start over, where to live.

What does this next act look like?

Fuck this is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.