When the sun goes down and the band won't play, I'll always remember us this way.

THANKS GIVING

At a certain point in this process I decided I don't have to:

be thankful for all that you do have

be thankful for all the time you had together

be thankful you are in a position to take your time

be thankful you didn't have kids to worry about

be thankful he wasn't in pain

be thankful he went quickly

be whatever and wherever but remember, be thankful.

Bullshit.

I now think if I hadn't spent so much of the last 22 months trying to find the bright side, trying to balance the scales, trying to have gratitude every single goddamn day, I might be further out of the vortex than I seem to be today.

I now wish I had allowed myself to puddle on the floor for a month, immersed in the misery, mad at the world, unable to find a reason to get dressed.

That would have been a relief. It was hard work to get up everyday and paste a smile on my face and hear the reminder in my head, "be grateful for all you have, for all you had".

There is no right way "to do grief".

We each move through it at our pace and in our own way.

In hindsight, maybe I spent too much time tamping down how I was really feeling, in order to get through the day "normally".

I have been trying recently, to reconstruct in my mind the first six months after he died. I can't find a lot of it. I cannot call up small details or big decisions and how I got there.

I have this deep need to understand all that happened in those first hours and days. I remember some things, like sitting on my sofa looking out the window that afternoon he died and watching people come in and out of our home.

I remember making the 911 call, I remember my friends coming to the rescue. But the need for all the blanks to be filled in is something recent and frustrating.

Our friends are trying to move past the grief as well, they don't want to relive this time. I want to pepper them with questions, and I understand I need to tread carefully.

All of this really sucks. Still. Not grateful. Not thankful.

I've spent a good part of every day for the last 22 months finding gratitude, today I am throwing in the towel. Let everyone else in the world put thankfulness and gratitude out into the universe.

My reality today is I am sad, I am lonely, I am confused, I am unsettled and I am pissed that this is my life.

I know I have many great things in my life but none of it can fill me with enough gratitude to wipe out the sadness.