Yeah I'm a lucky man To count on both hands The ones I love Some folks just have one Yeah others
I've arrived in Florida. Sooner than I had planned.
Outrunning a hurricane feels like the perfect metaphor.
A perfect storm waging inside me.
Always happy/sad.
It is so unsettling to feel both equally almost all of the time.
Already I don't feel like I fit in here anymore.
The people don't feel at all like my people.
I remember arriving in Seattle and being different.
But different seemed okay there, expected almost.
Like they knew after a winter or two you would be more like them and less like you.
They were right. I was happy to shed my Florida self.
She was louder, ruder, angrier, and also brighter, sparklier, browner.
Now back in this place I feel like a vacationer from another country looking at the funny natives in their sparkly flip flops and light pink lip gloss and I think I don't want to blend back in with them again.
I like my PNW self.
She is more grounded, more introspective, still sparkly and brown.
I've never had a big social circle, I had him.
Now I've got to remember how to make friends again.
How to find new people, build a new tribe- it's scary and overwhelming.
I'm filled with doubts about being here, about making friends, finding work, moving on, really living again.
I'm missing Seattle as fall begins to arrive there and I sweat my ass off here. Children I love begin school, mark milestones without me. Friend's lives continue on and I miss the daily interactions and updates.
I'm also filled with gratitude and joy at spending days with family. East coaster means being a quick 2.5 hour flight from those not living in Florida.
Happy/sad.
It's football season. I miss my Hawks.
Every day reminds me of something I don't have any more.
In addition to him.
It has only been five days and I know I need time. I need my own space, need to be back in my home and not couch surfing.
And I need to find a better head space. I need to find more ways to be grateful for this opportunity.
I need to make more lemonade.