Over joyed

"Overjoyed" is one of my all-time favorite Stevie Wonder songs, no disrespect.

I'm not sure I even understand emotions anymore. I don't think that I have the ability to only feel one certain way at a time any longer.

So am I experiencing joy when underneath it there is pain and sadness- is the small burst actually joy or something new, some new Franken-feeling?

Grief is fucked up.

It's insidious.

It curls around like a sinister, spindly mustache winding its way into everything.

You think you are having fun, experiencing happiness, but then

the first few bars of a song, the laughter of a best-friend's child, the crowd gathered with one key ingredient missing.

The tears roll.

The joy ends. Was it ever there to begin with or was it a facsimile of joy- the new joy. Never to be as good as joy classic.

Time is passing. I can't stop it. It's getting away from me.

18 months. Inconceivable to me. Literally not possible.

I sometimes think about what he would be doing if things had been reversed.

How would grief have entered his life and how would he live with it? When would the daily reminders become weekly, bi-weekly, monthly...?

I think part of the pull back to Seattle is that I'm pretty sure he would still be here living our life with our friends. He would be comforted by the sameness and the familiar.

I'm pretty sure part of him is still here.