nothing you confess, could make me love you less. I'll stand by you.

This photo is unrelated to my post but it is one of my favorites I’ve taken in a while.

https://binged.it/2lyeDvG

I feel like I want to write because I always feel better when it's over and I would sure like to feel better. There is a lot rattling around in my head. This may be a little disjointed, which is sort of how I feel.

Current stats are:

Alone 17 months

Jobless 7 months

Homeless 7 months

Stateside 34 days

Family crises resolved 0

Answers 0

The thing I think I keep looking for right now and cannot seem to find is normalcy. For me I think that means consistency, routine.

I thought I could be in one place for a month or so and get into a routine of family visiting, babysitting, cooking, maybe a workout routine-basically get back to living.

You'd think I might have learned the lesson of trying to control and plan away the pain. Nope.

Blam. Kapow. Zowie.

Emotionally, I have experienced some very very hard things in my life The loss of my mother at age 24, and obviously the husband's death.

Nothing could prepare me for the overwhelming pain and guilt I feel right now.

For various reasons and to varying degrees some of my loved ones find themselves in really difficult situations.

Money could help them. Substantial amounts of money, but nonetheless money.

Some would never ask, some would never not ask. Some are trying to help themselves, some not so much.

But I love them all.

And so did he.

And I try to think everyday what the hell would he do?

I think of the money I now have as ours because it is.

I have it because we planned for it together. To protect each other.

I have tried giving some money- it hasn't helped, and sometimes hasn't even been appreciated.

I am trying to help in other ways, offer advice, service, a shoulder whatever I can.

But none of it helps how I feel. Awful, selfish, disgusted.

I actually visualized (and journaled) about having a fatal car accident and how that would resolve these money issues because the money would become someone else's problem, and it would go to those who need it.

I was driving on a long open stretch of highway in Florida before I left for Central America. I was alone it was a clear beautiful day and I thought what if I just took this little rental car down into the ravine dividing the highway, at 80 miles an hour. My next thought literally was, are my papers in order, will the right people get the money, and who will get that first call telling them of my fate.

I was scared.

Scared how detailed and clearly I pondered this.

Scared at how money could sabotage my relationships and my healing.

Scared that it wasn't the first time I had let my mind go to this place.

Three weeks into my trip in Australia I found myself on a 10th floor balcony that overlooked a highway. At this point I was unaware of all that my family was dealing with.

I only knew that I was lonely, unhappy, scared of what my future looked like.

I'm writing this now because I wasn't ready to then.

I'm writing it because I vowed to write about the fun travel and adventure, but also the feelings and sadness and eventual healing.

I'm writing it because I worry that those I love are having their own version of these conversations in their heads.

I wish I could help them more.

I wish I could help me more.

Proof I have a long way to go.

Yesterday my brother-in-law was in a deep but still and quiet sleep. He had been ill the previous 24 hours.

I went to check on him and he didn't respond to me and I couldn't see his breath rising and falling.

I panicked. I went to my sister quickly and said please try to wake him up, now.

I started to cry. I was immediately back in our bedroom at

6:00 am on January 29th 2017.

Silently praying please don't let this happen to me again.

Please not to him, not to her.

He was asleep. He is alive. I could exhale.

time is certainly taking its sweet ass time with the healing.