Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side. It&

Yes Miley sometimes inspires me.

So Central America didn't get a fair shake. I went to Costa Rica and to Panama and I really didn't embrace either country as I could have. I approached it all wrong- as a pause button, a layover on my way to my real destination Europe. It deserved better, and so did I. With the exception of a wonderful adventurous day in Costa Rica's Playa Hermosa spent with new friends from San Diego, I was alone and lonely.

Disengaged.

I tried in Costa Rica to mingle, but it felt weird and I gave up.

I had one great day in Panama on a fabulous walking and eating tour of the old city.

Back at my hotel I was again the odd one out, and I felt it.

I was feeling sad and a little sorry for myself.

I started reading again, which if you know me you know I binge read. Reading two or three books in a week and then nothing for the rest of the month.

I began reading other women's accounts of their loss and grief.

"Wave" by Sonali Deraniyagala. A heartbreaking, but for me relatable, work about the loss of the author's parents, husband and children in the Tsunami in Sri Lanka.

Her palpable physical and emotional pain was so beautifully and honestly written I cried and cried for her and for me.

I finally read Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking".

I realized she put a word to exactly where I am- the vortex. It so accurately describes my every day, every hour sleeping and waking.

She talks about how every experience, every song, every street, every meal every everything takes you down the rabbit hole of when you heard that, what you ate on that day,who you visited that lives over there.

I realized part of going on this trip was an effort to avoid all those things that could send me down the vortex. Places, experiences, people we never had together. How could I end up in the vortex when this entire trip had no imprint of him on it?

Well, I'm there and I cannot get out.

The days are filled with moments that I want to pick up the phone and call him.

Foods or beers or people or kitty cats that all bring him to me in a blink of the eye.

When I am not out exploring, I'm home alone with my thoughts.

I still live in the vortex of that day, the last day he was here. What did I miss, what did he know or feel? Was there a sign it was going to happen.

What time did it happen exactly, what was I doing, was I asleep? Did he even wake up?

The visuals are still awful.

The what-ifs unbearable.

Fifteen months in and really it could still be fifteen days.

I've realized that I have very little memory of the weeks immediately following his death. I remember some of the bigger things, but the details of 24 hours each day, I've lost those for now.

I remember my insistent need to check things off the list, the busy-ness and business after death.

I remember going back to work after two weeks.

What the hell was I thinking? I was thinking don't sit at home alone.

I had no business being there.

I wasn't really there, I mean my body was there. My emotions came to work with me. My brain- that was stuck in the vortex.

This morning, which began in the middle of the night here due to jet lag, I was convinced I should turn around and get on a plane and go back to the states.

I was ready to run back into some friendly arms in Philly or Virginia and Florida or Seattle. Convinced that this trip is just prolonging the inevitable. I am going to have to unpack the feelings, unpack the memories unpack all of it.

Am I being naïve in delaying?

Am I kidding myself that this trip is doing anything healing or restorative?

I really was pretty close to buying a ticket home when I fell asleep.

I woke with a renewed commitment to giving Greece her due.

It has always been a place I've dreamt of visiting.

Im here so I am going for it.

Where I will go afterwards, is yet to be determined.

I may show up on your doorstep friend or family.

The journey will continue no matter where I am physically.

What I need to begin to heal is a rope ladder out of the vortex.

What I know is I still don't have any answers, I still have a long road to go.

I still believe for me beginning this journey in warm, beautiful, sunny places has soothed my soul and spirit if nothing else.

Continuing to travel is a big decision I have to make.

Stopping has its own baggage for me-failure, quitting.

I'm reminded that my very wise therapist told me that this trip is mine, and I get to make all the decisions.

That every step is the next right decision for me.

I promise there will be a follow-up post about Greece. I've spent the first day sightseeing and doing a little shopping and I know this country will embrace me.

For now I am continuing the climb over hills and mountains daily.