Who says you can't go home

I guess smart people who have tried to capture what they loved about the places they called home only to be confronted by the whys they left.

The people I love in Seattle will always be people I love, but the connection to the city is a little less shiny. Returning to the Emerald city in late March isn't the best time of year for a sun lover like me.

Upon my return I did some consulting for my former employer.

Stepping back into the company that was such a huge part of my life, as an outsider viewing the changes, the flaws and the fact that they have moved on wasn't as easy or gratifying as I had hoped.

If I am being totally honest there was a piece of me that envisioned the transition after I left the company as difficult and eye-opening, an opportunity for some to appreciate all that I contributed.

But the larger part hoped that my friends, my teammates would find their way. New stars would emerge and things would get on.

Returning I found some of both.

It is tough not to jump right back in and try to "fix" things. On the other hand I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I am not the one who has to fix any of it. And also a for sure clarity that that chapter has closed for me, main character killed off, never to return.

The hardest part of coming back to Seattle wasn't really Seattle's fault at all. It just seemed that as soon as I hit the mainland all hell broke loose with friends and family. It has been a difficult time for some of both since I have been gone.  Some have been sharing bits and pieces along my journey and others doing their best to keep it under wraps but either way it all came spilling out. Thankfully I had the bandwidth to help. Thankfully I had time with my own therapist while I was here. Thankfully I had three months of peace and so I was able to take in the burdens my people needed to unload.

So it has been longer than usual since my last post because this hasn't been an easy trip.  But there have been some amazing highlights.

I've spent a week cuddling with my furball Barley and our mutual affection is as strong as ever.

I've seen one friend's baby in person and another had her baby while I was here.

I've spent countless hours with my best friend and her children reminding them just how much I love them and that I will always always be there for them.

I've worn the beautiful hand knit wool scarf my sister made me, before I left on my trip, forgetting I was going to the hottest places on earth.

I've come to realize that when my travel is over my family needs me and I will find a way to be there for them even if that means not being in the exact place I would like to be.

I've been reminded that my life is now about the decisions I make. I get to choose what happens next and where and when.