Another aeroplane Another sunny place I'm lucky I know But I want to go home

I'm getting this out of the way quickly.

I'm blessed that I have been able to go on this journey.

As I have acknowledged before, I would trade the circumstances that led to this journey for all the everything.

But given the choices I was left with, this has been an incredible beginning to my Option B.

The journey isn't over, but I miss home.

I need less newness.

I need familiarity.

I need hugs. I want less packing and unpacking

Less security lines and airport food.

Less figuring out the exchange rate.

Just for a little while.

I need it to be easy.

I'm blessed that I have so many choices of "home" to return to.

I do have some business things to attend to, and at first I used them as an excuse as to why I was coming home.

I was embarrassed that I missed home. Felt like I failed the mission I set out upon.

Once I moved past those feelings and embraced going home for what it is- a chance to recharge and reconnect- something new crept in.

Fear.

I will be home and will be physically confronted with all the places and spaces we shared. I can't ignore his presence when I am surrounded by our friends and our memories.

I have to dive back in.

Wow that hit me hard. Why?

It isn't like I haven't been dealing with my feelings on the road.

I quickly realized I better get some therapy time in while I am home- check!

It has been almost 14 months since he died and I have been frantically searching my hardrive and our skydrive for video and audio of him. I'm forgetting his voice and I need to hear it.

I am in that space where I cannot accept I will never hear him again.

In the almost three months I have been away I know I have changed. I am looking forward to the next phase of my journey.

But I also cannot wait to get off the airplane at SeaTac on Friday.

I cannot wait to get hugs, and haircuts and have comfort food and march for our lives and all the other things going home means.

I think home really is where your heart is, and mine still beats in Seattle, the last place I was with him.