I don't know who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone So I'm gonna love you now, like it&#

This John Legend song has been my dance it out, sing out loud and ugly cry at the same time anthem since the day I first heard it about 5 months ago.

It just moves me on so many levels it is really hard to explain. The chorus just kills me. It guts me and yet I cannot turn away, cannot stop listening. It is my emotional trainwreck.

I think who will ever love me again like he did? Will I ever want that again anyway? I mean everyone wants someone in their life to cherish them, the question is will I ever want ANOTHER ?

I sing it aloud and think these could be his words to me and like I said ugly green elevens running from my nose while dancing around and signing at the top of my lungs.

I packed my house listening to this over and over again.

I've listened to it three times today, a day which has been filled with ugly crying and tissues. It still kills me and also fills my body with joy at the musicality and the lyrics.

The anniversary is coming, it is 4 days away. I am aware that my psyche is preparing for it, trying to let small doses of the pain out ahead of time.

I've been thinking about this a lot these last few weeks. Traveling alone and noticing the coupling of humans. As a species we seem happier traveling in pairs or groups. Couples, families. Herds, tribes.

It is painful and sad to realize I am not part of that any longer, and may never be again in any real and meaningful way.

Resilience requires an understanding of the realities and then an acceptance that you can choose to move forward.

I'm not there yet. On some days I might be in the ballpark, but definitely a long way to go.