This is not my beautiful house...how did I get here?
Because I hope eventually some random strangers will find my blog and be interested in what I have to say, I thought a little info on why this all came about might be helpful.
Move along for those of you who already know what 2017 was all about.
I met a boy (really at age 23 I can call him that right?) in 1992 and 5 years later we married. We were happy, we thought. We were DINK's living in South Florida surrounded by our families and a nice group of friends from our respective work environments as well as a few neighbors and some old high school friends on my husband's side. We bought a house, we had two cats, we had jobs- not careers. Life carried on. We each experienced loss in those early years. My mother, his friend, grandparents, pets. Elections.
It all changed in 2006. I was offered the chance at a career. It would require a big move. To Seattle. I was eager for the chance to get out of South Florida, him not so much. There were a lot of arguments, tears, slammed doors. In the end, he recognized what this opportunity meant for me, and us. It was not easy. He didn't have a job. We were now long distance landlords. Our cat died from the stress of the move. I wasn't immediately ecstatic in the job. Again more tears and foot stomping and unspoken I told you so's.
Everything shifted when he found a career as well. It was no longer only about me in Seattle it was about us starting over and making a new life. Having a new adventure. Experiencing snow again. Making a new circle of friends, together. Leaning into each other more than ever before. Our old life became a distant memory save for a small circle of family and friends from those Florida years.
We both achieved success in our careers. Him more than he had ever imagined. He was buoyed by this new life. This new place that valued his intellect and enthusiasm. This city filled with so many like minded people. These new friends that often were away from family as well. These people became our new tribe. And the bonds grew deeply. Quickly. These were grown-up friendships based on who each of us was today, not who we were in our early 20's.
Our lives took on new meaning after a serious health scare found him in the cardiac care unit in late January 2014. Suffice it to say changes were made, medicines were taken. So were walks. It hung there for all of 2015. It was always in the room with us. Could something horrible happen again? As 2015 gave way to 2016 and an all clear was given, life went back to normal.
We grew to love Seattle. Surprisingly, he even more than me. He called it home and never wanted to go back. As our financial situation improved he could not stop repeating the mantra we must buy a house here. It became a yearly discussion about how we could make this happen. Still homeowners in Florida the thought of two mortgages terrified me. When we began looking for real, we were convinced we had missed our window and would be priced out of the market. In October of 2016 we found her. I always think of that house as female.
We bought the house I would have drawn if someone had asked me to. It was in fact exactly the words our realtor asked me to provide him as the perfect house for us. We moved into that house the last week of October 2016.
We barely had time to unpack and get ready for the holidays. We were planning for some repairs and changes to the house for spring. We were planning for parties and barbeques and lawn-mowing and flower planting and so many things.
All of that came crashing down in the pre-dawn hours of January 29th 2017. I woke up to find him on the floor next to our bed. Already cold. And blue. Terrified I called 911. I shrieked and cried until they arrived. The details of that day are private and shared with those who were with me. Maybe someday it wont feel like an invasion of his privacy to detail more of that day.
This is not where I expected my life to be. This was never part of any plan.
In the 11 months since that day I have put into motion a new plan for the next 12 months of my life. Some say I have been brave and strong and made the hard choices. I think they are wrong. I think staying, powering through in that house, in my job in those places, that would have been brave and hard and strong.
The plan is simple really. Get on a plane. See something new. Experience something other than grief. Repeat as many times as it takes.
As an aside, those of you who are or have experienced deep grief here are my thoughts. If what the experts say doesn't work for you or doesn't feel right, it isn't. Nobody else's pain is any greater or lesser than yours. We all experience pain in comparison to the previous worst pain in our lives. For me, talking has helped. With a professional. For me, rational thinking was all I could relate to, which is why I so related to Sheryl Sandburg's Option B. It didn't hurt that her story tracked with mine so closely. Let friends and family in. They want to help and don't know how.